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  On the other hand, if you wake up every morning and say to yourself, “I’m beautiful. I’m healthy. I’m brilliant. I get along great with people. I have fun with my colleagues. I do quality work for my boss. I appreciate living here. I see the beauty in the simplest things in life. I do the best I can in this society. In fact, I’m happy I’m alive …,” then other specific neurons in your brain will fire and reinforce those messages, too. (If you know people like this, I suggest you spend more time with them! And if you don’t know people like this, then you need to be the beacon of positivity in your surroundings.)

  Who would you rather be?

  How would you rather be?

  Which approach will help you overcome your negativity bias, so you’re not thinking negative thoughts 80 percent of the time?

  Which approach will help you achieve your dreams and goals?

  I once conducted a workshop in Oakland, California. One participant asked skeptically if I had ever taught affirmations to low-income people. I said that I had, and that the audience reaction had been really positive. She then suggested that maybe lower-income people simply did not have the time to do affirmations, and that it was just a luxury that higher-income people could pursue because they had more time to spare. I noted that, given how much time people spend watching TV, playing video games, or hanging out on social media, everybody — regardless of socioeconomic status — could make time to do affirmations and train their brains for success. Waiting for a bus, for example, is an ideal time to do affirmations. I noted that lower-income people probably need affirmations the most, to overcome all of the systematic challenges and disadvantages that they face.

  Suffering from Anxiety? Do Affirmations

  You might choose to ignore the power of affirmations, until life forces you to reconsider. I have a close friend who prided herself on her toughness and strength. But over a period of years, she became engulfed in conflict with her manager at work. My friend showed up to the office one morning, noticing that she could barely breathe. She wisely called her health care provider, Kaiser Permanente, who suggested she get immediate treatment.

  Her diagnosis? Heart irregularities and shortness of breath due to workplace stress. Fortunately, she was not having a heart attack, stroke, or pulmonary embolism. But she was experiencing what some would call a “panic attack.” Or even a “nervous breakdown.” She was also suffering from depression.

  The physicians recommended a holistic treatment approach for my friend, encouraging her to meditate, exercise regularly, get more sleep, and remove herself from a toxic work environment. But Kaiser Permanente, which happens to be one of the largest American health care plans, also recommended cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT.

  Psychology Today describes CBT as “a form of psychotherapy that treats problems and boosts happiness by modifying dysfunctional emotions, behaviors, and thoughts. Unlike traditional Freudian psychoanalysis, which probes childhood wounds to get at the root causes of conflict, CBT focuses on solutions, encouraging patients to challenge distorted cognitions and change destructive patterns of behavior.”21 Another source says CBT’s goal is to “change patterns of thinking or behavior that are behind people’s difficulties, and so change the way they feel.”22

  Does cognitive behavioral therapy work? Dr. Ben Martin in PsychCentral writes, “CBT can substantially reduce the symptoms of many emotional disorders — clinical trials have shown this. In the short term, it’s just as good as drug therapies at treating depression and anxiety disorders. And the benefits may last longer.”23

  When I asked my friend about CBT, she said the concept was simple:

  How you think affects how you feel.

  And how you feel affects how you behave.

  Of course, how you behave goes on to affect how you think, then how you feel, so the cycle continues.

  Reviewing Kaiser Permanente’s course handouts, I found a full page of “Negative Thoughts” and their corresponding, reframed “Positive Thoughts.” Examples included:

  •“I am powerless” vs. “I have choices”

  •“I did something wrong” vs. “I learned from this”

  •“I deserve only bad things” vs. “I deserve good things”

  •“I am a disappointment” vs. “I have things to be proud of”

  •“I should have done something” vs. “I did the best I could”24

  Our thought process can be a virtuous cycle or a vicious cycle. People who suffer from anxiety and panic attacks tend to think negative thoughts — repeatedly, obsessively, uselessly, unconstructively — whereas people who are more mentally healthy think more positive thoughts — which help them feel and behave better. After a few weeks of CBT, my friend started to recognize her negative thought patterns, was able to halt the downward cycle, and started thinking more optimistically.

  When I suggest that you do affirmations, I’m not asking you to become a narcissistic egomaniac. (There are enough of them in our society already!) Instead, I’m encouraging you to have a humble confidence — or a confident humility — which gives you permission to overcome your negativity bias and helps you focus on your best self.

  I love this quote, often mistakenly attributed to Nelson Mandela, but actually from spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure … We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? … Your playing small does not serve the world … as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.”25

  So how can you let your light shine?

  How can you give to the world your genius, creativity, beauty, intelligence, love, joy, and compassion — filled with both pleasure and purpose?

  What Do You Want to Affirm?

  To do affirmations, first you have to be able to define what you love about yourself. What you aspire to. How far you want to stretch. The wording is very important if you want your brain’s neuroplasticity to work in your favor.

  For example, you could say:

  “I can be promoted this year.”

  But it’s better to say:

  “I am the new manager,”

  … because you’re stating this as a fact, rather than something that “can” happen.

  You could say:

  “I want to be a better sister.”

  But it’s stronger if you say:

  “I am a compassionate sister.”

  You could also say

  “I call my siblings every month,”

  … which is excellent, because it’s easy to put a monthly recurring reminder in your calendar to do this. (We discuss this in Chapter Sixteen on Habits.) It might be hard to know if you’re a compassionate sister or not. But if you call your siblings monthly, you probably will become a better sister.

  You could say:

  “I will lose 15 pounds.”

  But “will” is more a promise or hope and less a statement of fact.

  It might be better to write:

  “I make healthy choices,”

  … since you can act upon that at any moment of the day, and you’re less likely to get frustrated if you have not yet dropped those 15 pounds.

  Your affirmation can be:

  “I would like to be happy.”

  But “I would like” is not a strong statement of fact.

  “I deserve to be happy” is a better alternative, opening a whole world of affirmations for good things you deserve.

  Remember that you should not have a negative in an affirmation, or else you’ll just be reinforcing the thing you don’t want to be true. (Go ahead, try saying, “I don’t think about pink zebras” and see where this gets you.) So instead of affirming:

  “I am not angry about the pas
t,”

  … how about:

  “I’m grateful for all the experiences in my life”?

  (We will go through the importance of a gratitude practice in the next chapter.)

  Are You Bad at Names?

  Many people love to say, “I’m bad at names,” anticipating that they’re not going to learn the name of the person they’ve just been introduced to. But just as Rick Hanson says, “How you use your mind changes your brain — for better or worse,”26 you need to make sure you’re not reinforcing something about yourself that you don’t want to be true. In general, you should be very careful to ever say anything about yourself you wouldn’t love to see as reality.

  Now, I’m not suggesting that you should be delusional, or live in denial. But at least you can refocus your energy, intention, and behavior. After all, why would you want to be bad with names? Do you like being bad at names? Does this serve you well? Is this a part of your identity that you embrace?

  Better to focus on how you want to be. So your affirmation can be, “I’m getting better with names.” Or, “I’m in the process of improving with names.” Or, “I used to be horrible at names, but now I’m pretty good!”

  And then you can keep faking it until you make it. If you start saying to yourself, “I’m good with names,” then the next time you’re at a cocktail party or important business meeting, you’ll introduce yourself, look the other person in the eye as you say their name, say it again, smile and nod, ask them how they spell it, make a funny joke so you can remember it, remind yourself of someone else you know who has that name, picture this person with a famous person with this name, and say their name again, as soon as you can, while talking to this person. Then maybe you introduce them — by name — to somebody else.

  I understand — some readers might be thinking, “Every time I meet a person like this, I realize they’ve done some sort of sales training, and this is just a little circus trick they perform to learn people’s names.”

  On the other hand, other readers might be thinking, “Wow, regardless of the motives, this person has bothered to learn my name. This takes some effort and skill. This probably serves them well. It’s impressive.”

  I’m great with names — and I tell myself this fact all the time. This affirmation and subsequent reality have helped me enormously throughout my life.

  You can categorize your affirmations according to major themes. Here are just a few of an infinite number of examples:

  Health

  •All of the cells in my body are vibrant with health

  •I run a half marathon in less than three hours

  •My shoulder and knee are getting stronger

  •I have killed the tiny cancer cells in my body

  •I eat and drink healthfully and in moderation

  Family/Friends/Community

  •Today I’m the best parent I can be for my kids

  •I always find time to reach out to my friends

  •I answer the phone when my brother calls

  •I do mentorship calls when other alumni reach out for help

  •I make eye contact when I talk with other people

  Play/Fun/Travel

  •I am getting better at salsa dancing

  •We are going on a family vacation to Spain this fall

  •We go out on a date night every week to a nice restaurant

  •I deserve to be happy and enjoy the life I have right now

  •I am an excellent surfer

  Intellectual/Creative/Artistic

  •I read at least two interesting books per month

  •I’m getting better at using iMovie to make videos

  •I’m open-minded about listening to other points of view

  •I’m great at making organic smoothies for breakfast

  •I am confident when choosing wine in a restaurant

  Spiritual/Contemplative

  •I meditate for at least five minutes per day

  •I’m loving and kind to myself and others

  •I forgive others, I accept others, I like others, I love others

  •All I need for a peaceful, fulfilling life is to have a peaceful, fulfilling now

  •I observe the practices of my religion, because I value being part of this community

  Financial

  •I have a net worth of $400,000

  •I earn $100,000 per year

  •I am calm and patient during volatility in the stock market

  •I am frugal and live within my means, while being generous with others

  •I do the necessary research before I make important investments

  Work

  •I’m the best user experience designer in Silicon Valley

  •I’m doing the best I can in leading this master class today

  •I recognize challenges as opportunities to grow at work

  •I am a patient, mature, and supportive colleague

  •My team is the best team in our company

  Now it’s your turn to write out your affirmations! Just the mere process of thinking about what to write is very powerful.

  Writing Activity 27:

  Write out at least 10 affirmations for yourself (specific, positive statements in the first person present tense, which are true, or you want to be true).

  I encourage you to take multiple passes at writing your affirmations. It’s fine to have a fairly general affirmation, such as, “I’m in great health.” Or you might like to craft a very specific, lengthy affirmation, such as, “I am a phenomenal leader, because I set up my group for success by listening well, delegating, and raising the skill level of my team members.”

  Would you like to get to know someone better?

  Then do this writing activity with that other person — be it your spouse, child, sibling, friend, or colleague. It might feel a little silly or embarrassing at first, but pretty quickly you can get comfortable and encourage each other.

  One of the many beautiful parts of my workshops is when I ask people to write out 10 affirmations, and then to pair up with another person and read the affirmations out loud. I can see that participants are sometimes nervous, but others feel proud, glad, or inspired. Some are in tears, due to the intense, joyous liberation of their hopes and dreams.

  It’s extremely powerful to think about what you love about yourself, write down those thoughts, and verbalize them to another.

  Frequent Questions

  How aspirational should you be?

  Only you can answer that. It’s great to have a mix of “things I already love about myself that are true” affirmations, and some big goals and hopes you have, which are not true for you … yet!

  In my interactive keynote talks, sometimes participants feel like they’re being arrogant if their goals are especially lofty. They may think they have to proceed more meekly through life, hoping that really great things will just end up happening to them. But I ask them, “How are you ever going to achieve this goal, if you can’t even see it? If you can’t even say it out loud?”

  True, there might be some guy whose definition of success was to just play drums in a garage band, and he ended up being in the world’s biggest rock ‘n’ roll group. But for most of us, we have to believe in ourselves and visualize that we can make our successes happen. I used to live just a few blocks from the childhood home of Steve Jobs, in Mountain View, California. His vision for Apple Computer was, quite simply, insane. But Jobs did not pay attention to the doubters. In fact, his ability to think big is what made him “visionary.” He thought he could “put a dent in the universe.”27 And he did.

  Indeed, technology is driven by people who dream big. I’ve worked in Silicon Valley for more than two decades. One thing I love about working here is the spirit of innovation. Th
e belief that there are few constraints. Or that we’re all figuring out new industries, new revenue models, new ways of doing business that have never been done before.

  Yes, you can worry all the time about “how things are done here.” And you can become paralyzed by all sorts of self-limiting beliefs.

  For example:

  •You have to be a technologist or engineer to start a company

  •You have to have a degree from an elite school to get hired at a great company

  •You have to have a college degree if you want anybody to hire you at all

  •You need to be really well networked and know the right people

  •You have to have an MBA or be a successful entrepreneur if you want to work as a venture capitalist

  •You have to be the “first mover” in a new industry

  •You have to show customer traction before anybody will fund you

  •You have to physically be in the San Francisco Bay Area if you want to create a successful internet company

  •You have to be a straight, white male if you want to have an awesome career in tech.

  There are people — sometimes lots of people — who believe any one of these statements. But regardless of whether they’re never true, sometimes true, or always true up until now, it helps you most if you ignore whatever the “rules” are supposed to be. (Please note that I’m not encouraging you to break the law. I’m encouraging you to challenge the unwritten norms in a particular situation.)