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  Ignore what the past might have been for others.

  And have unshakeable faith that you can be different. You can break through. You can be the exceptional person who accomplishes what no one else has. Well-crafted affirmations are a key part of training your brain for innovation and success.

  Just as Lord Voldemort from the Harry Potter stories is known as “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,” you probably have a Voldemort Goal: “That-Desire-Which-I-Am-Too-Scared-To-Affirm.”

  Go ahead … say it. Think it. Write it. Dream it. Affirm it! Then work with tenacity and love to make it happen.

  After you write your affirmations, what exactly do you do with them?

  Because “neurons that fire together, wire together,” you need to give those neurons some proper practice.

  You can say affirmations out loud. You can whisper them to yourself, like a quiet chant or prayer. You can simply hear them in your head — as long as you are able to maintain that focus.

  I usually say an affirmation three times:

  The first time is to just remember what I want to say.

  The second is to get my attention and bring my mind back to here.

  The third time is to drive home the point.

  I tend to say about 10 minutes of affirmations at home every morning, after I meditate. But for years, I did affirmations while I swam. Or while I was driving to work on Highway 101 in the Bay Area. Or while shaving. I find that the more important the thing is I’m trying to accomplish, the more time I need for affirmations. When I drive to an important meeting or speech, I have no problem uttering a variety of affirmations for 45 minutes. It is, without doubt, a lot more uplifting than listening to news on the radio.

  How many affirmations should you have?

  As many as you want. I tend to have 40 to 50 — many of which are variations on themes such as, “I deserve to be happy … I deserve to do work that I love … I deserve to …” You can keep them the same over the years, or you can have a one-day-only theme, such as, “I’m closing this important sale with Ms. X today.”

  Some Affirmations That I’ve Created for Myself

  Here are my affirmations, which I say every day. I always mention the person’s name (“Stacy” rather than “my wife”), but I’ve made the following section generic. I also go through various people (such as both of my brothers, all of my step-kids, etc.), mentioning each one by name. There are endless variations.

  Good morning!

  It’s a nice day, it’s a beautiful day, it’s a lovely day.

  I’m happy that I woke up.

  I’m happy to be alive.

  I’m happy that I’m alive for a few more moments, at least.

  I’m grateful for all of the experiences in my life, and I’m thankful for the life I have now.

  I’m grateful for my daughters being alive and healthy.

  I’m grateful for becoming a father.

  I’m grateful for trying to be the best father that I can be.

  I’m grateful for moving to Mountain View.

  I’m grateful for moving to San Francisco.

  I’m grateful for meeting my wife — who’s beautiful, kind, sweet, silly, smart, tough, courageous, sexy, compassionate, adventuresome, and really fun. I’m grateful that she’s a great cook, loves wine, and loves travel.

  I’m grateful for my step-kids.

  I’m grateful that Mom and Dad are still alive and mostly healthy.

  I’m grateful for my brothers and sister, and for their spouses.

  I’m grateful that I’m healthy.

  I’m grateful for my financial situation, and for being able to do the work that I do.

  I’m grateful for the investments I’ve made.

  I’m grateful that I get to do work that touches people’s lives in a positive way.

  I’m grateful that I live in a beautiful home in San Francisco.

  I’m physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy.

  I’m physically healthy from doing my stretching, doing my yoga, doing my meditation, doing my affirmations, icing my arms, and doing challenging swims.

  I’m physically healthy from doing long walks, the elliptical machine, rowing, push-ups, and the arm bike.

  I’m physically healthy from eating healthy and in moderation, drinking healthy and in moderation, working in moderation, and having a healthy, balanced life.

  I’m physically healthy from having enough rest time, having enough downtime, having enough vacation time, getting enough sleep, not drinking and driving, taking my vitamins, taking my supplements, using my CPAP machine, and taking glucosamine for my joints.

  And when I do my PSA tests and biopsies I find that I have killed the tiny cancer cells in my body.

  All the cells in my body are vibrant with health.

  I’m emotionally healthy because I choose an optimistic attitude in every moment.

  I have an unbreakable spirit.

  I have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

  I’m spiritually healthy because today I’m the best dad I can be for my daughters.

  I’m very kind with my daughters, very patient with my daughters, and very firm with my daughters.

  Today I’m the best husband I can be for my wife.

  Today I’m the best parent I can be for my step-kids.

  Today I’m the best son I can be for Mom and Dad.

  Today I’m the best brother I can be for my brothers and sister.

  I deserve to be happy and dance to the life I have.

  I deserve to do work that is meaningful and helps others.

  I’m loving and kind to myself and others.

  I’m brilliantly creative and efficient.

  All I need for a peaceful, fulfilling life is to have a peaceful, fulfilling now.

  I’m at peace because I forgive myself, I accept myself, I like myself, I love myself.

  I’m a forgiving person.

  I’m at peace because I forgive others, I accept others, I like others, I love others.

  I forgive my daughters, I accept my daughters, I like my daughters, I love my daughters.

  I forgive my ex-wife, I accept my ex-wife, and I let it be if she’s angry with me, so I can be happy right now.

  I forgive my current wife, I accept my wife, I like my wife, I love my wife.

  I forgive my step-kids, I accept my step-kids, I like my step-kids, I love my step-kids.

  I forgive Mom, I accept Mom, I like Mom, I love Mom.

  I forgive myself. I forgive you, Mom. Please forgive me.

  I forgive Dad, I accept Dad, I like Dad, I love Dad.

  I forgive myself. I forgive you, Dad. Please forgive me.

  I forgive my brothers, I accept my brothers, I like my brothers, I love my brothers.

  I forgive my sister, I accept my sister, I like my sister, I love my sister.

  I forgive my in-laws, I accept my in-laws, I like my in-laws, I love my in-laws.”

  Action Plan: Do your affirmations every day, starting now.

  Figure out a way to incorporate affirmations into your life — when you brush your teeth, take a shower, wait for a train, wash the dishes, walk down the street, ride your bike, commute to work, go for a jog, wake up, or get ready to sleep. Just pick one time and start doing it. You can spend the next 30 seconds saying one of your affirmations, if you’d like. See Chapter Sixteen on Habits for some very simple, practical ways to incorporate this practice into your day.

  My affirmations, which I do in the morning, remind me of how I would like to behave throughout the upcoming day. One of my affirmations is, “Today I’m the best husband I can be for my wife.”

  On occasion, my wife texts me from work and asks that I buy some g
roceries around the corner. I actually might not want to stop my work and buy the groceries. But then into my mind pops my affirmation, “Today I’m the best husband I can be for my wife.” It’s how I want to be. I affirm this every day. My neurons fire and wire on this message, every day. And suddenly I realize, “Yeah, honey, sure, I’ll go get those groceries for you.” Simple, but true.

  Go ahead and write out your affirmations, say them daily, and see how you’re using neuroplasticity to boost your confidence and train your brain for success.

  Meditation, Affirmations, or Both?

  You may have noted that the line between meditation and affirmations can get blurry. And that’s OK.

  To harken back to the Serenity Prayer, remember that many forms of meditation help you have the serenity to accept what you cannot change. And affirmations help you have the courage to change what you cannot accept.

  I remember doing a master class for a small tech start-up in San Francisco. In our group discussion, the CEO and founder of the company, who is a brilliant and very successful entrepreneur, said, “Wow, meditation has always been really hard for me because my mind is always racing. But doing the affirmations, saying the same positive thought to myself over and over, was really easy. I can definitely do affirmations!”

  Your experience may be the same. In general, I believe that most people today are not extremely mindful and living in the present moment. But lots of people dwell on repetitive, unproductive, and negative thoughts.

  The University of Wisconsin’s Dr. Richard Davidson is one pioneering neuroscientist who understands the benefits of neuroplasticity, mindfulness, and affirmations. He has collaborated with the Dalai Lama and other monks to do research on the impact of meditation on the brain.

  Speaking to NPR, he made the point that “You can sculpt your brain just as you’d sculpt your muscles if you went to the gym. Our brains are continuously being sculpted, whether you like it or not, wittingly or unwittingly.”28

  And in a talk presented at the Greater Good Science Center’s Mindfulness & Well-Being at Work conference, he identified four essential skills for well-being, noting, “Each of these four is rooted in neural circuits, and each of these neural circuits exhibits plasticity — so we know that if we exercise these circuits, they will strengthen.”

  1. Resilience. He cites his team’s research confirming that resilience-specific brain circuits “can be altered by regular practice in simple mindfulness meditation.”29

  2. Outlook. This refers to the ability to see the positive in others and in the world. Dr. Davidson states, “Simple practices of lovingkindness and compassion meditation may alter this circuitry quite quickly, after a very, very modest dose of practice.”30

  3. Attention. We’re happy when we’re living in the moment. This is true, according to not only Dr. Davidson, but also Harvard’s Matt Killingsworth, whose research we discussed in Chapter Four on the Happiness Framework. Mindfulness meditation is an ideal way to develop the skill of paying attention.31

  4. Generosity. Dr. Davidson cites “a plethora of data showing that when individuals engage in generous and altruistic behavior, they actually activate circuits in the brain that are key to fostering well-being. These circuits get activated in a way that is more enduring than the way we respond to other positive incentives, such as winning a game or earning a prize.”32

  In addition to volunteering for a local charity, you could repeat an affirmation such as, “I am generous,” “I am giving,” or even, “I give a dollar to the first homeless person I see today.”

  In your daily practices, are you meditating? Are you affirming something noble? Are you savoring something beautiful? Are you sending love? As long as you’re firing your neurons to sculpt your brain for the better, it does not matter what label you put on these activities. Happiness is a skill you can develop, and these are some of the surprisingly simple ways you can do it.

  But there is one more wonderful practice I’d like to share with you.

  Chapter Fourteen:

  Gratitude: How to Appreciate

  What Already Is

  A lot of people ask me, “What makes a person happy?”

  Sometimes I say, “Finding the right balance between pleasure and purpose.”

  Sometimes I say, “Living like you have cancer.”

  But often I simply say, “Being grateful.”

  I think gratitude and happiness are almost synonymous. Think about the most grateful people you know. Are they happy? How about the least grateful, most entitled people that you know. Are they unhappy? In any situation, you can focus on who you’re not, or what you don’t have in your life. Or, you can focus on who you are, how you can be, and what you do have in your life.

  But to do this, you first have to recognize all the things to be grateful for.

  Benefits of a Gratitude Practice

  We humans have evolved to get used to nice things. This is the “hedonic adaptation” we discussed in Chapter Nine — it diminishes your appreciation for what you have.

  But a gratitude practice can help you savor and appreciate your possessions and your surroundings. If you take the bus to work, you can be grateful that there is public transportation. If you live in a dark, dingy studio, you can be grateful that you’re not homeless. If all you can afford to eat is instant ramen, you can be grateful that you’re not one of the roughly 815 million fellow humans who go to sleep hungry every night.1

  You will be happier when you’re thankful for the “stuff” in your life. But it’s even more important to be grateful for the people in your life. A gratitude practice will strengthen your bonds with family, friends, and community. It will also increase your humility — because no matter how brilliant, talented, hardworking, and wonderful you are, there is a huge number of people throughout your life who have directly contributed to your success today. In fact, one of the many things I admire about Asian cultures is the deep respect paid to elders and prior generations for their sacrifices.

  Gratitude does not mean you should feel guilty or indebted for the gifts that life provides to you. If you’re going to eat the chocolate mousse, then savor it! It doesn’t help anybody to eat it and not enjoy it. Similarly, it does not make sense to have a fine vacation in Cancun, but feel bad about the poverty in Mexico. Either don’t go to that lovely country at all, or go there, spend your money in their economy, tip generously, be kind, smile, learn some español, and give to a local charity if you want.

  Gratitude is the recognition and open acceptance that good things come your way, all the time. To that, it’s worth saying, “Thank you!”

  Gratitude’s Timeless Wisdom Validated by Modern Science

  Gratitude is a virtue that has been taught for millennia.

  The Buddha stated, “Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.”

  The French have this proverb: “Gratitude is the heart’s memory.”

  Helen Keller, the first blind-deaf person to earn a bachelor’s degree in the United States — from Radcliffe, no less — said, “If much has been denied me, much, very much, has been given me.”2

  And in a very wry, mindful way, the legendarily hard-living Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards cracked to a concert audience, “It’s good to see you all, you know. It’s good to see anybody.”3

  Modern research has confirmed the benefits of not only meditation and affirmations, but also of gratitude.

  Harvard Health Publishing, associated with Harvard Medical School, states quite simply, “In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.”4

  In The How of Happiness, Psychology Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky writes that “The happiest partic
ipants in our studies … are comfortable expressing gratitude for all they have.”5

  In Just One Thing, neuropsychologist Rick Hanson cites research showing that “Gratitude is associated with greater well-being, better coping, and even better sleep.”6

  Stanford’s Dr. Luskin says, “Your nervous system responds to ‘thank you’ in the exact opposite way it responds to tension … The whole purpose of our nervous system is to find out, ‘Are you safe?’ When you answer, ‘Yes,’ all the sentries that are standing guard all the time stand down for a little bit, and that resets your nervous system.”7

  Just think about that! According to Luskin, you cannot be grateful and stressed at the same time. It’s neurologically impossible. So to reduce your stress, be grateful. The next time you’re feeling anxious, one of the best things you can do is simply start counting your blessings. I’ve done this many times when I’ve been upset, and it’s remarkable how quickly my tension subsides.

  Being grateful means recognizing that things are “good,” or at least not as “bad” as they could be. Or, as a 70-year-old Jamaican taxi driver in London once said to me, “Don’t worry. Things could always be worse!”

  To Be Grateful, Do This

  The good news is that there is a wide variety of ways to practice gratitude. Here are a few:

  Write a gratitude journal. This is very popular. Simply keep a notepad next to your bed, and every night before you go to sleep, write down three things you are grateful for. This practice is helpful in its own right, but the added benefit is that your brain continues to savor this goodness, even as you sleep. Or you could start your day this way, perhaps by writing this out in an email that you send to yourself, as you sit down to your computer.

  Express gratitude to your loved ones. I’m convinced that more relationships would succeed if both partners shared their gratitude for each other. Every night before I go to sleep, I make a point of telling my wife that I’m grateful for something she did that day. It’s (almost) always easy to find something. I know she appreciates hearing it, and I feel better, too.